Giving Thanks

It's Thanksgiving and I'm sitting at a Starbucks, collecting my thoughts after visiting with my mom for a few hours.  There are two days a year and two only that I go to Starbucks.  Thanksgiving and Christmas Day, when all of the independent - good - coffee shops are closed.  Today, this is a quick pitstop before I head home to hook up with Jude and the boys.  This afternoon we're going over to the Walker's house for what has become the traditional family Thanksgiving feast.

My mom was in a good mood day, although she didn't realize it's Thanksgiving.  That's probably for the best, I guess.  Before this all began, I never imagined a Thanksgiving where we would not be with her at her house or where, at least, she would not be with us.  It makes me a little - okay, a lot - sad to think of her alone on Thanksgiving while we get together with all of Jude's family, even though she doesn't realize the significance of the day or that she's missing anything.  Alice is visiting her this afternoon and Tracy tonight, but it's not the same.  It's just not.

What I'm thankful for, I think, is the grace to accept my mom for the way she is and not to be too bitter about her plight.  Controlling the bitterness is, for me, a work in progress for sure.  On Sundays, I go to see her rather than go to church, which is a problem.  My faith has been and is being tested and I'm probably failing the test, at least at present.  Maybe that will change in the coming months.  I hope it does because I miss going to St. Patrick with my family.  I miss it a lot, actually.

I'm also thankful that there is still some of my mom left.  She laughs a lot, which always and forever will make me smile.  Her sense of humor is intact.  Her ability to make others laugh is still there, which is a large part of what always has made her who she is as a person.  And she loves me.  God, does she ever love me.  Her face lights up when I arrive and she still, even now, tells me to "be careful" when I leave.  Her motherly instinct is so ingrained it will be the last part of her personality to leave, I think.

I'm thankful for my sister, Tracy, and Alice.  I couldn't do this without their support and knowing that they're seemingly always on the way to see my mom or have just left seeing her.  I'm also thankful for my mom's friends, especially Patti Sparks and Jan Baker, who have given so much of their time to sit and talk to my mom.  They're simply the best friends anyone could ever have and my mom is so blessed to have them in her life.

And last, but certainly not least, I'm thankful for my family.  Jude covers for me with the boys, always, when I leave to go see my mom.  That's not easy and I'm grateful to her and I love her for that.  My boys, J.P. and Joe.  They will probably never understand how much they have meant to me that last year as I've tried to navigate, emotionally, through these waters.  Without their unconditional love, the constant reminder from them that I have to be present and there for them and that I can't feel sorry for myself all of the time, I would be a lost soul.  I would be unmoored and adrift with them.  J.P. and Joe keep me anchored and give me an identity.  They make me smile, laugh and occasionally angry, but really, they make me . . . feel . . . so I'm alive emotionally and not numbed and deadened inside because of the hand of cards my mom has been dealt.

It's a tough day, for me, but a day to be thankful and to reflect, as well.

Happy Thanksgiving.