Lost in My Mind

Am I okay?

Approaching three months since my mom died, I guess so.  But I don't really know.  I feel more like myself, like I did before January 23, 2019, when I was sitting right where I am this morning - at Honest Coffee Roasters, having a cup of coffee - when Tracy called me from Birmingham, AL, and told me to call NHC Place because something had happened with mom.

Have I properly grieved?  I don't know.  Am I still grieving?  Yes.  Am I appropriately sad?  Not sad enough?  Too sad?  I don't know.  There's no blueprint for all of this.  That's something I've discovered.

Everyone handles death - true loss - differently.  That's something I'm learning firsthand, for sure.  And - this part is important - there is no right or wrong way, there's just your way.

My way to process the grief after my mom's death is not Tracy's way.  It's not Alice's way or Kaitlyn's way or Matthew's way.  It's also not J.P.'s way or Joe's way.  And that's as it should be, I think.

What worries me, though, is that I've become so immersed in the day to day details of my life - partly out of necessity and partly as a defense mechanism - that I'm not sure I'm actually processing my grief.  It may be that I'm postponing it by compartmentalizing my emotions and focusing on work, coaching baseball and worrying about how others in my family are doing.  J.P., for sure, but also Tracy, Alice, Kaitlyn, Matthew, etc.

I'm coaching 30 boys on three baseball teams.  Lots of e-mails to parents, roster management for my two 11-12 year old teams, practices and games.  And I love every minute of it.  It keeps me busy.

My work, too, has been so busy.  And as a family law attorney, so many of my clients demand so much of me emotionally.  I think I've willingly given even more of that part of myself to them as of late, probably unconsciously so I won't have as much left in my emotional tank, so to speak, to spend on the loss of my mom.  That makes me feel guilty sometimes.  A lot of the time, actually.

In other words, am I deliberately focusing my attention any my emotions on everything but my own feelings about losing my mom?  Am I avoiding dealing with my own sadness?  Have I put my sadness in a box - compartmentalized it (there's that word again) - only to have to deal with it later?  I just don't know.

I've avoided - consciously or unconsciously - visiting NHC Place or stopping by my mom's house.  I don't think that's healthy, although maybe it is temporarily.

I guess what worries me is that when the music stops and I have some down time, am I going to be okay?  I think so.  I hope so, too.