Ready, Aim, Fire!

Okay, this blog entry might not be for the faint of heart. If that's you, stop reading, right now.

The other night, Jude had taken John Patrick upstairs to change his diaper, then feed him and put him to bed for the night. I was sitting downstairs, in my recliner, reading or watching television. Suddenly, I heard Jude shriek, not too loudly, but shriek nonetheless. I went upstairs to see what was wrong. I walked into "the Men's Lounge" (my name for the nursery, since it's the room that John Patrick and I share, as it has my closet, his crib, etc.). There, I saw Jude, at the changing table, hands in the air, laughing. She was dripping wet, John Patrick was dripping wet, the changing table was dripping wet and the floor was wet. There was pee everywhere.

I asked, "what happened?" "He peed on me . . . again," she said. After Jude had taken off his dirty diaper but before she could put on a clean one, John Patrick had unleashed a torrent of pee, covering everything in his general vicinity. That's my boy!

Today, Jude called me at work, laughing, because it had happened again. This time, she was careful, easing the dirty diaper off very slowly, peeking at John Patrick's weapon, I mean, penis, so she could slap the diaper back down if he started to pee. In my mind's eye, I can just see her, leaning over the changing table, peeking into the diaper, with the theme from "Jaws" in the background. Just when she thought it was safe to pull the dirty diaper off, BAM! He's peeing again. That's what happened today, anyway, as John Patrick again peed straight up in the air, mostly on himself. I think he was probably startled, because according to Jude, he started crying at that point.

This is where it gets really funny. After she wiped him down, Jude decided to take a closer look at John Patrick's penis to try and figure out how it worked. Not literally, but to see if there were any warning signs she should look for, to avoid getting soaked over and over again. I could have warned her, never look straight into the eye of you infant son's penis . . . that only makes it angry. It's like staring down into a volcano. Suddenly, John Patrick began peeing again, straight up into the air, like a baby fountain! This, mind you, in spite of the fact he ha already peed minutes before. Again, that's my boy!

I reminded Jude, of course, I've yet to be peed on, mostly because as a guy and a father, I know the signs to look for to determine if my son is about to pee on me while I'm removing his dirty diaper. That went over well with her, as you can imagine.

So, in light of the above, here are the basic rules, given my nearly four weeks of experience changing my son's dirty diapers, for avoiding being peed on by your infant son. Keep in mind, of course, an infant boy's penis has a mind of its own. Listen carefully, because I know of what I speak.

1. Never stare directly into the eye of the penis. That only makes it angry.

2. If the penis starts to track your movements, you're in big trouble. If you move to the left and it follows you, you're most certainly about to be peed on. The effect is kind of like those black and white photographs of civil war soldiers hanging on the wall, where the eyes seem to be staring at you, no matter where you stand. It's unnerving, really.

3. If the penis is pointing straight up, like a flag pole, put the clean diaper on, quickly, because that is a sure sign peeing is imminent. It's like "Old Faithful."

4. Never, ever, turn your back on your infant son's uncovered penis. That's just asking for trouble. After all, nobody in their right mind turns their back on a man holding a loaded gun, especially if it's pointed directly at you.

5. If your son is crying while you're removing his dirty diaper, as is usually the case, then suddenly stops crying, you're in trouble. This is like those western movies, when two gunslingers are walking through the middle of the town and it's deserted. One looks at the other and says, "it's quiet, too quiet." Then, the shooting starts and moments later, they're both gunned down in their tracks. If it's unusually quiet all of a sudden, you're probably about to be peed on.

6. Don't show fear. Your infant son's penis can sense fear, without question. You'll be peed on immediately, if you show the slightest hesitancy or trepidation. I recommend whistling or singing while you're changing his dirty diaper. Anything to mask the fear you feel.

7. Last but not least, to quote the immortal John Wooden (a.k.a. "the Wizard of Westwood"), "be quick, but don't hurry." Get the dirty diaper off and the clean diaper on, quickly.

Man, who knew changing diapers could be so dangerous?