Two for One

We're three weeks away from the birth of our second son and the question that keeps gnawing at me, like an itch I can't scratch, is this -

How is having another child, another son, going to impact J.P.? 

Although it seems like a question to which the answer should be straightforward and fairly simple, it's not.  It's a question to which the answer is nuanced and layered with complexities.  It seems that way to me, anyway.

The answer to that question worries me.  It worries me a lot.  I think about the answer when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning.  I think about it when I'm driving to and from work and when I'm at work.  I think about it when I'm running.  Really, I think about it all the time.

J.P. is my firstborn and, but for a miracle of sorts (in my mind), he was going to be my only child.  Don't get me wrong, Jude and I are blessed beyond belief to have another son on the way.  I love him more than life itself.  Now, though, I've got to grow my heart big enough to love another child - another son - as much and in the same way as I love J.P.  I hope I can do it.  I really do.

I've been joking lately about this but, as with most jokes, this one hides and insecurity.  When J.P. goes to sleep on February 20, 2012, he'll still be "the man."  When he wakes up February 21, 2012, or shortly thereafter, he'll be just another man.  How will he handle that realization in his soon to be 4-year old mind?  Will it make him insecure?  Will he lose any confidence or self-esteem?  Will it make him sad?

Will he know and realize that he is my firstborn son and he always will be?  Will he realize, now, that he will always have a special place in my heart for that and so many other reasons?  I hope so.  I really do.

I know parents (and children) make this transition every day.  I know that.  I do.  Still, it's the first time for me.  The first time for J.P.  Until now, he's been in large part the focus of my life for almost four years.  My mood and my state of mind have been predicated upon his.  If he's been sick, I've been worried.  If he's been happy and in a good mood, I've been happy and in a good mood.  When he has been asleep, I've relaxed. 

But soon, very soon, that's going to change.  It's like I'll have to develop a split personality, because I'll have two sons around which to center my life, not just one.  I'm not sure I know how to do that and I'm worried if I don't do it right, J.P. will suffer the consequences.  I've got to find a way to be happy when J.P. is happy but, at the same time, to be able to worry about my new son if he's crying.

It's confounding, really, but I guess like so many things in life, it comes down to faith.  Or, having faith, I should say.  Faith that when the time comes, I'll know what to do and how to act.  Faith that God will bless me with the wisdom, energy and enough love in my heart for two children.  Two sons, no less.