I received a telephone call last night and learned that my first cousin has suffered an aneurysm and was in the emergency room. It could have been worse, I guess, because she is alive. She's scheduled for surgery later today.
It struck me this morning that I can't call my mom to talk about Ann's condition. I can't call her to try and talk through why this has happened and to just try to make sense of it all. My mom was always so good at helping me keep things in perspective. Toughest of all for me, no doubt, is I can't rely on my mom's faith and her unending belief that everything will be all right. Not with her and not with my cousin.
At times like this, I'm reminded of how much I relied on my mom for emotional support and wisdom. And now, I can't. I used to talk to her every day about issues big and small. Politics, sports, work, family and personal stuff. She always was there with a kind word or just a listening ear. Always. And now she's not and worst of all, she never will be. Not again.
I think a large part - maybe the largest part - of the reason I feel so alone and helpless at this time in my life is I don't have my mom to talk to and help me process what's going on. I miss that most of all.
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