Saturday, November 3, 2018

The Terrifying Randomness of Parenthood

I was in mediation next door to my office on Wednesday afternoon - Halloween - when one of our staff knocked on the door and asked me to step out of the conference room so she could talk to me.

"Call Jude," Lisa said.  "There's been an accident at the playground and Joe is hurt."  My heart sank and I rushed outside to call Jude.

As always in times of stress, Jude was calm and cool when I reached her.  "I'm on the way to University School.  Joe fell on the playground and his arm is hurt.  I don't know any more than that."

Jude agreed to call me when she got the nurse's office at school and assessed the situation.  It turns out that Joe had fallen, or gotten pushed, off a tunnel on the playground he was walking on and had stuck out his left hand and arm to soften the blow as he hit the ground.  He was crying quite a bit when she arrived and saying his arm hurt.  The nurse didn't think it was broken but Jude thought it best to take him to see his pediatrician anyway.

Dr. Godfrey examined Joe and suspected he had broken his arm after all.  He called ahead to the radiology department at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital so Jude could get Joe in without waiting.  X-rays revealed a fracture in the ulna, nearer the elbow than the wrist.  He was casted from the wrist to above the elbow and told to come back in four weeks.

Shit.

Joe's been awesome about it the whole time, never complaining, at least no so far.  He trick-or-treated (as Luke Skywalker) that night.  He's slept well, maybe because I made a big deal out of giving him the pillow I've used four different times when I've broken bones in my left hand over the years.  He's miffed about missing basketball, particularly after he scored six points in the first half last week (turning to the crowd after each basket and making the money sign with his hands).  Overall, he's been great.

Me, not so much.

Joe's broken arm is a reminder of the randomness and helplessness of being a parent.  I do everything I can to keep the boys healthy, send them to best school and keep them safe, and still, Joe gets hurt.  I know it could have been worse but I can't shake this feeling of helplessness, like I'm in boat on the ocean with no way of steering in any particular direction.  The wind and the current are going to take me wherever they want me to go and I'm just along for the ride.  That's parenthood, I guess.

I'm also struck by a feeling of mortality as it relates to the boys.  I want them to be indestructible and impervious to outside forces or random chance the might conspire to injure them.  But, they're not.  Something else for me to worry about, I guess.

Joe will be okay, though.  And we've got a long way to go, raising two athletic, active boys.  Damn, it's going to one hell of a roller coaster ride, isn't it?


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