I debated about taking the boys with me this morning but, at this point, I'm not sure it's good for them to see her - and some of the other residents - struggling to . . . well, just struggling. They were quickly up this morning and contentedly watching Dude Perfect videos on J.P.'s iPad, in bed with Jude, so I decided to leave them at home.
I'm really torn because part of me wants the boys to remember my mom - their Meemaw - the way she was and not the way she is now. I'm not sure that's possible with J.P. because he has accompanied me on visits to see her on weekends many times, though not as much lately. With Joe, I just don't know if even has any memories of my mom before she began her decline. And that makes me sad.
The other part of me feels like this is simply part of life and my mom is who she is now. They should see her and allow her love them in whatever way she is able to do so. I think it makes her happy to see them even I'm not completely sure she realizes they are her grandchildren. I just worry about how hard it is for them - especially J.P. - to see her like she is now. J.P. tends to feels things pretty deeply and I don't want him to be emotionally scarred or to lose anymore innocence than he already has in contemplating and trying to understand, in his 10-year old mind, what she is going through.
Like so much of what we're going through with my mom, there is very little black and white, just lots and lots of grey.
I met a couple of guys I coach baseball with at Edley's last night - Chad and Tony - and after a couple of margaritas, I mentioned to them how much my mom would have loved watching J.P. and Joe play baseball earlier that day. Chad has boys on the Dodgers (9-10 year olds) and the Junior Dodgers (4-6 year olds) that I coach. Tony's son plays for the Dodgers.
Chad reminded me that before he began helping us on the field, coaching, that my mom used to be at many of J.P.'s games and that he often sat next to her and talked sports with her. It's funny, maybe because I'm so wrapped up in how my mom is doing now and worried about how she will be doing in the immediate future, that it's hard for me to remember a time when she came to J.P.'s baseball games.
I remember toward the end, when she was still living at home and drive herself to the boys' baseball games, but it was becoming a struggle for her to walk to the fields from the parking lot. One occasion that stands out in my mind is when she was coming to see Joe play at Harpeth Hills Church of Christ, probably in his first season of baseball, and one of the teenagers who was working for the WNSL (West Nashville Sports League) drove her to the field in one of the all terrain, John Deere vehicles they use to quickly get from field to field.
Yesterday, J.P. played baseball games at 9 and 11 a.m., followed by a soccer game at 2 p.m. Joe had a soccer game at 8:30 a.m., then baseball games at 2 and 3 p.m. It was full day for sure. My mom would have been right in the middle of it, as she was with Tracy's kids, Kaitlyn and Matthew, when they were growing up playing soccer (in the early years), then later basketball at Oak View Elementary School and baseball. I'm a little - well, a lot - jealous of the times she was shared with Kaitlyn and Matthew watching them play sports.
J.P. struck out 8 batters in 3 innings yesterday, although he walked 2 batters and hit 1 (J.P. adamant that the ball hit the batter's bat and should have been a foul ball). J.P. has developed into quite a pitcher this season. My mom would have taken great pride in his pitching, although she would have nervous and lived and died with every batter.
So, it's a bit of a melancholy Mother's Day for me. Will there be a Mother's Day to celebrate with my mom next year? I don't know. If there is, it will probably be different than this one, which is different form the last one.
That's just the way it goes.
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