Missing Mom

The holidays are upon me, officially.  As I left the office this afternoon, I saw that the City of Franklin had put up the giant Christmas tree on the public square.  I'm guessing it will be decorated tomorrow.  

Thanksgiving is next week.  Jude and I are renting a house in Sewanee, so our family will spend its first Thanksgiving, ever, away from home.  Given the uncertainty and, well, weirdness, surrounding the holidays because of the pandemic, it makes sense to do something different, I guess.  Hopefully, Jude's folks will be able to join us for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my mom and how much I miss her.  She loved the holidays so much, mostly because it brought our family together, I think.  Some of that has been lost and it makes me sad.  To be honest, the ties that bound our family together have unraveled more than a little since she died.  That makes me sad, too, because I know it would disappoint her.    

Even before her health began to fail her, so much or our lives this time of year seemed to revolve around her.  Planning for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Christmas cards and the calendar of the boys I make every year as a Christmas gift.  Christmas lists for the boys and yes, me.  Every year, she'd renew my subscription to Sports Illustrated and Jude's subscription to Southern Living.

So much has happened in the almost two years since she died.  JP and Joe have grown so much.  They're such good boys.  So funny and smart, with such great personalities.  She would have loved spending time with them.  And, damn, would they ever have loved to spend time with her back when she still had her fastball and could dish it out and take it.  They would have loved her sense of humor, especially now, as they've gotten old enough to appreciate it.  

Her love of sports, which I inherited and, of course, passed down to the boys, would have delighted them.  I wish she could have seen JP and Joe playing baseball this fall.  She would have been so into the games, so proud.  Sometimes I feel haunted, in a way, by what might have been as it relates to the boys' relationship with my mom.  

What to do?  For me, appreciate holidays, as I always do.  Take time to enjoy them.  Live in the moment, in the here and now.  Stop, for just a minute, and appreciate the little things.  

And that's what I'll do.