My use of the plural form of the word - relationships - is deliberate. Why? Because while my boys are similar in many fundamental ways, they also are very different. It's those differences, I think, that makes my relationship with each one of them unique.
For the longest time, I think I fell into a trap. On a certain level, it seemed to me that since JP has enjoyed so much success in junior school and high school, thus far, at MBA, that I somehow had cracked the code when it came to raising boys. In other words, raising Joe through his pre-teens and early teens would be relatively easy because I'd already done it to great success with JP.
I think there is an inherent laziness in that line of thinking, though. Because, again, JP and Joe are different people. I can't go on autopilot with Joe and use the same approach with him as I have with JP and expect the same results. Different people. I forgot that for a while.
The problem in my approach recently hit me after a baseball practice with Joe's Dodgers. I've always prided myself on approaching each boy I coach differently. Why? Because they're all different. Some boys respond better to me getting on their ass in practice or games (in a positive way, of course). Other boys need a gentler approach. They need me to build their confidence.
I've always felt that each boy I coach is a puzzle. The beauty in coaching - for me, anyway - is in solving the puzzle over the course of a season or, more often, several seasons. Over time, I build trust with each player, and he recognizes that I have his best interest at heart, always. But I get there in different ways with different boys. That's the point.
Why, then, would I think that parenting my sons would be any different? I don't know. Since my boys are different from each other, it makes sense that I need to find a different approach JP and Joe that allows each to reach his full potential in, well, life. That's what we all want for our children, right?
JP is very, very disciplined and methodical in his approach to work and getting things done. He takes after his mother in that regard, I think. Jude and I have been spoiled in that we have never - not one time - had too remind JP about homework, a project, or studying for a test since he's been at MBA. He's self-motivated and goal-oriented. My approach with him is more laissez faire. Support him. Check in with him, but hands off for the most part.
On the other hand, Joe is not as inclined to get his work done without a reminder from Jude or me. School work. Chores. Athletics. Joe needs a gentle reminder, at the very least. He's not as organized as JP (or Jude). Joe is probably more like me in that regard. I don't think a hands off approach works with Joe, not if I want to help him reach his full potential.
The trick, of course, is finding the right balance. Encourage Joe. Remind Joe but do so in a way that I'm giving him enough space to learn and grow, so he gets to the point that he budgets his time and gets things done on his own, without nudging or prodding. I don't want to nag him and I can't get frustrated with him because he's not his brother. He's uniquely Joe, different from JP in many ways.
As I told Jude after out parent-teacher conference with Ms. Dortsch at USN yesterday afternoon, we're so lucky to have the boys we have. Ms. Dortsch raved about Joe. Well behaved, courteous, respectful, friendly, easy going. He was the boy all of the other boys wanted in their cabin on the recent school trip to Mt. Pisgah National Forest. That's Joe.
We're blessed beyond measure, to be sure.
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